CALLING THE SHOTS

I'm staying awake to listen to the dark... Its the ending of a chapter and I can feel the seasons changing. I don't know what day it is nor could I tell you the time... I'm spinning with my eyes wide open and there are colors all around me... One shade for every emotion that is swimming inside of my heart at the moment... She beats so fast, she is protecting me always... she whispers to my mind "do not worry, I am your soulmate and I will always be here for you"... I am blessed to have her, I could never want anything more than her loyalty and love.

Its so important to LOVE yourself. This is the ONLY way you can ever truly love anyone else. To love someone else is journey, a very important journey that at it's best will grow you and at it's worst it will attempt to destroy you... I absolutely believe that there is a sacred kind of love for everyone who doesn't stop believing that there is. I also believe that in this day and age its healthy to experience a variety of experiences loving and being loved by different people. How else can we really know what we want and what we don't want. It's so wonderful the feeling of LOVE when its mutual and elevating. Its horrible when that same love turns into a break up and all of what was before, that made you feel so good are the very things that hurts you he most when you have no choice but to remember all of it...

Break up's. Yuck. Never fun. For either the heart breaker or the heart broken... It's almost as if everyone has to experience it at some point to be human. Have you ever tried to embrace the pain that can step from love? To stop yourself in the very moment of a tortured heart and be still so you can absorb the beauty of FEELING? It is a gift to be able to have your heart broken because it means that you were able to open it to LOVE and to be able to LOVE is the ultimate gift in life. Its a complete turn around when you can embrace that pain and actually I think it displays a sense of control that you posses over the situation rather than it controlling you.

Work it with, go with it, spin with it. Don't let it take you from YOU, let it bring you closer to YOU... it can if you allow it too...

Its obvious through my writing that I believe that we posses the power to live the way we want to live, rise to and above the emotions that surface in us, manipulate our destines by the choices we make and the way we view life and ultimately own our life rather than having it own us...

I feel the leaves loosening up preparing to fall. Fall... reminds me of so many different and important times Ive experienced in my life... Some of which challenge my emotions at the moment but I'm not surrendering to the challenge... I am going to look deeper into it and send it away properly. Its official. It's time for certain things that I cherished to be repositioned and clear my path so I can make room for AMAZINGness to step in front of me... I deserve it and I have the POWER to make that happen.

My whole life I have been writing. There were times when I would be sitting somewhere waiting perhaps in a line, for a friend-whatever- but I remember in those moments I would search for a piece of paper and pen because I had things that I just had to get out and put in front of my eyes to see... Communication is my gift. Translating through my hands is my passion. When I write I am forcing (with pleasure) my eyes to be confronted with my thoughts, ideas, goals and emotions... The minute it leaves my mind through my hands and becomes visible for me to see it becomes a commitment. A commitment to myself to witness and grow from my entries from the feelings and determination in my words. The biggest let down I could ever feel is me letting myself down. That's why I work so hard to make sure that I never do...

I know that as long as I continue to keep unwrapping events in my life as GIFTS regardless if they make me feel happy or sad, regardless if i understand them or are questioned by them... I will be able to look back and smile at the RICH life I have been lucky to have lived...

"Its easier to die than to LOVE... that's why I go through the trouble of living my LOVE"

xCommitedx

xxxROXANNExxx

THE FOOL

(BJORK+ZERO7 set the tone...)

As I was unpacking my bag tonight from a lovely few days in Montreal, I discovered something amazing in one of my boot bags... I have NO idea how it made it's way there since it's home is always on or in my dresser. BUT. somehow someway one of my beautiful tarot cards was sitting in the bag waiting for me to discover her...

Which card?

THE FOOL... Note the words that correspond with the image and then the translation:

The Fool is off on an adventure. She wants to cross the river walking on her hands. The cat is testing the water to make sure it is not too deep to cross. The Fool wants to see the aminita muscara mushrooms on the other side. The mushrooms are deadly if approached incorrectly. The pygmy crocodile already warned the Fool of the possible dangers. The Fools only possessions is a bag of TRUTH painted with an OPEN EYE. She rings the bells and shakes the peacock feathers to call on the Goddess. The Goddess comes as a griffon-vulture to bless the journey at the beginning of the NEW DAY.

Translation:

The Fool lives in a world where EVERYTHING is possible. She is the Goddess's special and favorite child. The Fool is a Sacred clown who breaks the SOCIAL CONVENTION, Open Hearts and Stands closest to the spirit. She represents the PURE impulse to ACT and CREATE no matter what ANYONE says. This energy reminds us to be AWAKE and OPEN to possibilities at EACH MOMENT...

Now I am a believer. PERIOD. And one thing I believe in is that it is important to stay very aware in life. To keep your pencils sharpened at all times... The more that we listen, the more that we open the eyes in our souls and start looking out through them rather than just our eyes, the more perfect we can TRUST what we see. We start to see life through a vision where we are able to guide ourselves and our lives to higher ground... OR that's just how I SEE it anyways... I choose to take my beautiful Fool surprising me with its random hiding place as a message and reminder of where I am at with myself, with my life and what direction I am dancing towards within it...

Montreal served me some wonderful time with friends, some new, some special forever... I had the pleasure of some beautiful alone time as well to walk through the cold streets with my music and mind... A few of my gathered cafe thoughts that came to life while sitting on some breakfast dates with ME, with my music and a BRIGHT window to look out of...

Alone. Mind wanders. Hands follow... Sitting, waiting, hoping, thinking, loving, wondering, breathing…

I love to be in transit. I love to be one with the wind… going, coming, leaving, always moving and keeping things FRESH…

Its a strange but powerful feeling to KNOW in the depths of your SOUL that you were born to discover... Discover truth. Discover love. Discover pain. Discover inspiration. Discover people and places that will bring fourth color into your life... I know that I was born to roam... Roam this earth and be moved by the experiences I gain while doing so. I have been touched by many places and yet somehow I FEEL where I will ultimately call HOME. I see RICH. Rich that does not stem from currency but rather IDEAS. Ideas that will come to fruition. I will celebrate them when they develop. I will have EARNED it. Earning is a gift within its self. We are so lucky when we can recognize life's simple treasures. The ones you can't ever touch but can touch you for the rest of your life...

In love. With the world that walks by mine and entertains my thoughts... MUSIC. Is always the backdrop that binds it all together. Mystery. Is scratching at my heart. Clawing. Away at it, waiting for it to bleed but all that leaves me is curiosity... Solo. This is where one learns the most. Confrontation. Leads the way into my soul... I face her. With open arms... We meet eye to eye and know that we are in love... Perfect love. Perfect trust. I'm melting. Melting into a sea of opportunity... I swim. In the depths of what CAN be and what WILL be... There is NO such thing as what should be. I move. Into action. Action that propels me into the sky. The sky. Where limitless opportunity exists... And ohh do I desire... Slowly. But in PERFECT time. It all makes sense in a very obscure manner... What a gift. To be able to read between the lines. To understand the misunderstood. To believe. To move to the rhythm of instincts. To trust. To have total trust.... This is a place where my soul showers me with love and RESPECT... What a PURE place to exist... (then it was time to eat)

Oh and I fell in LOVE in Montreal too. His name is Kees Van Dongen. He left me with chills all over my body, and outrageous inspiration... Art truly is a UNIVERSAL language and I find it so incredibly sexy...

Only the great masters of style ever succeeded in being obscure... EXACTLY. I love you Oscar Wilde...

XRX