CALLING THE SHOTS

I'm staying awake to listen to the dark... Its the ending of a chapter and I can feel the seasons changing. I don't know what day it is nor could I tell you the time... I'm spinning with my eyes wide open and there are colors all around me... One shade for every emotion that is swimming inside of my heart at the moment... She beats so fast, she is protecting me always... she whispers to my mind "do not worry, I am your soulmate and I will always be here for you"... I am blessed to have her, I could never want anything more than her loyalty and love.

Its so important to LOVE yourself. This is the ONLY way you can ever truly love anyone else. To love someone else is journey, a very important journey that at it's best will grow you and at it's worst it will attempt to destroy you... I absolutely believe that there is a sacred kind of love for everyone who doesn't stop believing that there is. I also believe that in this day and age its healthy to experience a variety of experiences loving and being loved by different people. How else can we really know what we want and what we don't want. It's so wonderful the feeling of LOVE when its mutual and elevating. Its horrible when that same love turns into a break up and all of what was before, that made you feel so good are the very things that hurts you he most when you have no choice but to remember all of it...

Break up's. Yuck. Never fun. For either the heart breaker or the heart broken... It's almost as if everyone has to experience it at some point to be human. Have you ever tried to embrace the pain that can step from love? To stop yourself in the very moment of a tortured heart and be still so you can absorb the beauty of FEELING? It is a gift to be able to have your heart broken because it means that you were able to open it to LOVE and to be able to LOVE is the ultimate gift in life. Its a complete turn around when you can embrace that pain and actually I think it displays a sense of control that you posses over the situation rather than it controlling you.

Work it with, go with it, spin with it. Don't let it take you from YOU, let it bring you closer to YOU... it can if you allow it too...

Its obvious through my writing that I believe that we posses the power to live the way we want to live, rise to and above the emotions that surface in us, manipulate our destines by the choices we make and the way we view life and ultimately own our life rather than having it own us...

I feel the leaves loosening up preparing to fall. Fall... reminds me of so many different and important times Ive experienced in my life... Some of which challenge my emotions at the moment but I'm not surrendering to the challenge... I am going to look deeper into it and send it away properly. Its official. It's time for certain things that I cherished to be repositioned and clear my path so I can make room for AMAZINGness to step in front of me... I deserve it and I have the POWER to make that happen.

My whole life I have been writing. There were times when I would be sitting somewhere waiting perhaps in a line, for a friend-whatever- but I remember in those moments I would search for a piece of paper and pen because I had things that I just had to get out and put in front of my eyes to see... Communication is my gift. Translating through my hands is my passion. When I write I am forcing (with pleasure) my eyes to be confronted with my thoughts, ideas, goals and emotions... The minute it leaves my mind through my hands and becomes visible for me to see it becomes a commitment. A commitment to myself to witness and grow from my entries from the feelings and determination in my words. The biggest let down I could ever feel is me letting myself down. That's why I work so hard to make sure that I never do...

I know that as long as I continue to keep unwrapping events in my life as GIFTS regardless if they make me feel happy or sad, regardless if i understand them or are questioned by them... I will be able to look back and smile at the RICH life I have been lucky to have lived...

"Its easier to die than to LOVE... that's why I go through the trouble of living my LOVE"

xCommitedx

xxxROXANNExxx

BIRDS OF PARADISE

What an amazingly wonderful place to be... A HIGHER state of consciousness...

A sensation that keeps all positive and uplifted, through trials and tribulations... the mind stays clear, focused and ready to make moves... The spirit is bright for all to see, the soul is alive and breathing the body through any areas of discomfort, pushing it carefully into a place of STRENGTH...

Love is all around me, I had the most wonderful weekend with some of the worlds most beautiful spirits that I am proud to call my friends and family... I danced my hips off of my body to incredible musik that I swear I could feel deep inside my inner existence...

Music... Wow. Music... Paves the road for me to dance through my life... Keeps the backdrop colorful and encouraging... Music has glued together so many pieces of my picture, gratefully no longer a puzzle but still so offering so much fantastic mystery... I love mystery, it allows for the mind to wander and to grow ideas, to push fourth direction and strive for something. HOPE.

New York. My heart. My home. Ive said it here before but I'm going to say it again. I was NOT born in New York BUT I WAS BORN TO LIVE IN NEW YORK and that is why I did for some very special years of my life. New York is the gateway to the world and I am so grateful for my connection to it and for it's connection to me... It has proved to me that when I FEEL I belong somewhere, I ABSOLUTELY DO. I know that I have more territory to cover when it comes to adopting different cities in the world to call home. To love where your at is so important. There is not one day I do not look outside my window to see the sun and ocean with thoughts of pure gratefulness. I LOVE my home. I'm not stopping here though. I have my heart set on bringing another beautiful city in particular into my home life and I will get what I want if it's meant for me to have. My adventure is clear. I'm on the move. The world offers up so many flavors and I have a HUGE appetite for it...

Culture is such a gorgeous thing and to BE cultured is a blessing... To be in touch with the world and to live with no judgement is one of the keys that will unlock the doors in life and allow for the most amazing experiences... Looking at life from Birds eye view allows me to see all that surrounds me, not just focusing on what is in front of me or what Ive left behind...It keeps me in harmony with what I cannot see or understand. This feeds my faith in my instincts and my instincts are my reliable wing men on this journey I'm on so without perfect LOVE and perfect TRUST in them I would be scattered...

I feel like I have grown a deeper fascination for life which allows me to look at things in a different shade of light than the "norm"... I can look at my challenges straight in the eyes and KNOW that I will not be defeated. I accept their battles for they offer me so much wisdom and strength and I gain more personal respect for myself when I conquer them... To have a deep personal respect and sincere LOVE for yourself is THE key to staying connected in MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT... once you gain that balance... well, then you can fly over rainbows if you want to... Clean out your closet, make room for change, keep your feet on the ground but your mind in the sky... Grow taller in your ideas and let your heart be as deep as the ocean...

Step up on YOUR stage and be your own audience, the show must GO on...

It's the simple things in life that offer the most beauty and substance... Somehow the simple things in life are the most complicated for most to grasp and understand... Crack that code and the party begins... I FEEL the wind turning in a direction that will let my wings glide through the sky and birds will applause my flight. This is all what YOU want it to be and that is the absolute TRUTH. I don't read "self help" books (nothing wrong with them just not my thing) instead I close my eyes, fall backwards into my dreams and allow them to push me forward...

They have never let me down, they have only taken me HIGHER and opened up so much room for life to offer me the secrets and treasures of how special it can be... Bring your treasures to YOU, they are waiting for you, perhaps OVER a RAINBOW... come and bring them to LIFE... .

I'm giggling at the thought of how much fun I'm having...

Xx ROXY xX

TOUR DE FORCE

Crawling...
Into my favorite space.
.HERE.
Time is such an amazing element in life
It fucks with us and we fuck with it right back don't we,,, in fact in all fairness i believe we take turns fucking each other...
sometimes its as if Time knows something that we don't and is stringing us along on the edge of our seats waiting to discover just what exactly it is...
what is that dangling carrot leading us to?
In someways it's what ever we want it to be isn't it? Ultimately I believe that we have the power to manipulate our destinies, to mold them into what we desire by the choices we make and the actions we pursue in our every day...

I have always followed my heart. When I feel an extreme passion for something I become a slave to pursuing it. From music, to surfing, to travel, to art... in some special cases even love...
With my bow and arrow I point and shoot at the target of passion that puts fireworks in my heart, then like a hunter, my pursuit starts...

I was taught something when I was a young competitive runner from my father. These 4 words and the philosophy behind it stuck with me all these years and has made sense towards every single thing that I have been on the pursuit to achieve.

D. D. S. S.

These 4 words prove to be a valuable recipe to achieve something that is not easy...

DESIRE- First and foremost one MUST have an extreme DESIRE to want to achieve the goal...

DISCIPLINE- There is NO way to accomplish without the discipline to do so, especially in today where there are so many tempting distractions to throw us off course. Maybe this is why I find DISCIPLINE so attractive... the challenge of keeping it alive is performance within itself...
SKILL- Skill, thinking outside the box, being creative and or having a natural flair for what ever it is that is being pursued can make the difference of gaining it or not...
STRENGTH- Yes, finally comes strength. I've always admired how strength came last because so many may think it would have to be first in the line but clearly after reading the last few sentences it's obvious why this important element towards success is not the first but the anchor in the race...

I can honestly say that out of all of the wants my heart has truly desired, the very most important and substantial wants I've successfully gained so far. It's an amazing feeling to be able to look back and know that I manipulated my journey while practicing that success recipe and captured the treasures I hunted.

Some say that I have done"so much" at such a "young age"... Well that is exactly how I did it. No fear, no question, simply just followed my heart and NEVER settled.
This is also why now I am truly able to believe that I will accomplish what sits in my heart at the moment. That said, I always leave room for things to shift at the will of the universe and I work with it because ultimately I know that what is healthy, pure and good for me is what will surface for me to celebrate.

And celebrate I shall... I love a good party...

Its amazing to acknowledge and practice the power to LIVE and ACHIEVE that I was born with. To surrender to NO ONE and NOTHING. To know that if I aim my bow just right, the energy of my passion in that pull will direct it in my favor... Targets are set and my aim is high...

Now I can go start my week...

XxRxxxx

TICK TOCK...

Chapitre 1

Sunday Stillness in the morning feels like a cat purring closely into my ears...
I LOVE the stillness and silence of a beautiful Sunday morning... Its so worth sleeping early for on Saturday night
At the moment I feel like a cocktail. Mixed.
So many things brewing around me, the clock ticks, my mind swirls to the sound of it...
Where to go from here?... Everywhere of course.
What an interesting place to be experiencing.
There is no way around this, I have to embrace it, flow with it, and rise above it.
I DO NOT play with defeat, I only laugh at it.
This is my place to roll over and breathe.
To look up at the skies in my mind and float on clouds.
To feel the breeze between my hair and flirt with the sun that shines for me.
Some might wonder, Some don't care. This room is here for me to breathe and to stare..
Off into the depths of my heart and search... Explore...Discover...and celebrate the treasures that exist with in it.
Everything is Right you see... Im EXACTLY where I am supposed to be...
The universe would have it NO other way and I always meet her halfway...
Being a SURFER teaches you how to work with what you got, to flow with it and to get ahead of the sections that pop up in front of you
Of course the better the surfer, the smarter choices you make which result in better experiences to work with and a successful run at the end of the wave
Its all part of the process and its extremely motivating...
Fire added to Air goes BOOM
Im riding that explosion to the top where I can touch the stars...

Chapitre 2

The day of the solar eclipse brought fourth so many emotions inside me me...
Sunday's mixed cocktail became a serious blend of potent ingredients...
Im happy to report that I channeled all of it in a creative direction
I wrote in my journal in front of the ocean with the sun out high and bright
I sketched in the sand while the breeze whispered in my ears
And I worked on my new painting, feeling really good about the direction it's moving in
I feel good about the direction Im moving in...

Challenges can be a gift
I wanted to erase that last line because there are many things to consider that make a difference in when exactly they are a gift and when they are unfortunate... but i don't have to explain it all, i suppose its all very individual so i will keep my sentence here because i truly believe in it.. after all who is really listening???
ME

xxRxx

DANCA THROUGH VERAO

"Were never going to survive unless we get a little crazy"... AWESOME words to live by and i DO (thank you SEAL)...

Oh yes you have heard me say it before, I love to scribble outside the lines, I mean who put them there anyways? I am grateful for them though. With out them how would one feel rebellious by stepping outside the box?

I love to JUMP outside the box, to breathe in the air of mystery and question, to not look back and wonder but to look forward and believe...

The sunshine that has been blanketing me these past few days has been incredible. I never stop being grateful for one second for all of the simple treasures that surround me. To be a woman is a gift. She most definitely offers up some insane challenges but when all is lined up inside and she is really connected to herself it can be the most incredible sensation. I love incredible sensations...

Tonight I'm in the mood to play. Luckily tonight I will have a playground to play on and some of my favorite musica to move to. NYC is coming to get DEEP :) My nails are painted and my heels are high. I am going to dance my way into the new week and carry the energy I get from it though out it. I sense it will be a very positive one because of it...

The energy I get from dancing is something that I plan on giving to myself until my hips officially give out. For now its on and I'm excited. Over the last 12 years of my life I have danced to so much amazing music, bonded with people who are now more like family than my best friends and most of all every single time I get a good night of music in (MY KIND OF MUSIC FAR FROM ANYTHING COMMERCIAL) I feel SO connected to myself and all the insane memories I have from all over the world in the last decade.... I swear I was Brasilian in a past life because I just keep dancing through this one just like they do regardless of status, money, rain or shine... they know how to keep it going... and I share the same passion.

SO that's me on Dancing and soon I will put on my red lips and go.

This weekend has been delicious and in some ways the start of some new adventures.

I love adventures...

xxRxxx

SUNNY SIDE UP

The stars have fallen from the sky and sprinkled their dust into my eyes... Feelings are loud today... I want new music and different languages surrounding me... 

I am tuned into deep frequencies and sense my wings waking for a stretch... a stretch that will take me across the sea and draw new inspirations to me... It's time and Im ready...

Im ready to walk down the street of a foreign country and breath in the mystery of all that surrounds me.  To take in the new... To LEARN and bring in more wisdom... to feed my curiosity the mystery she is intrigued by... to surround myself with LOVE... 

LOVE is a topic that is as passionate and intense as religion. War, death and celebration have all stemmed from LOVE just as it has from religion.  LOVE is the ruler of my spirit, it is what fills my heart and fuels my ever burning fire...   I just want to go and go... 

I wonder today... What is it that will be sending me to the center of my universe soon?  I think I am going to have to make a bold move to set it in motion... Ive never had a problem with doing that in my life... To hum the same tune everyday is unacceptable in my life...

Sitting here wasting my time
Would be like
Waiting for the sun to rise
It's all too clear things come and go
Sitting here waiting 
Would be like waiting for winter
It's gonna be cold
There may even
Be snow...

I would prefer to keep snow in it's proper season and not have it interrupt my summer.  What is it with this day that has me happy, yes happy truly, but I am also longing for something to pick me up and take me away... that has me spinning in circles...

Spinning in a daisy field would be nice right now... Under the sunshine while drops of warm rain trickle down my face, laughing, spinning, poetry in motion...

Ying to Yang here I come, I have only the best intentions... ALWAYS... Where do you want me to go from here? I just want to hold your hand... Who will ever know? Sometimes the best part is NOT to...

Chilled beats serve up a delicious background for creating,,, my favorite past time along side surfing... Tomorrow starts a new week full of potential and possibilities... a FULL MOON lies with in it... 

So much to come, so much to share thank you for paying such close attention to the scribbles in my mind... maybe one day soon we will meet... 

Bon Soiree

xRx

FANTASIA...

FEAR CAN STOP YOUR LOVING BUT LOVE CAN STOP YOUR FEAR...

Today I climbed... I climbed into fresh territory... I have so many things to share, so many things have shifted... so many ideas and thoughts to relish in... Tonight is simple. I just want to blow kisses and talk about my day dreaming... I feel myself YEARNING to wander... Wander away to places my heart sings for, places that express my inner feelings and stimulate my mind...
I love to encourage my mind to go further with it's wisdom and to keep my spirit charged with electricity... ELECTRICITY is teasing me with thoughts of running with the wind... Jump on a cloud and swing through the skies... Blue skies Inside my Mind...

I know that I am born to explore because staying in one place for too long, even for just reasons, feels like I am disconnecting myself from my internal twin (yes Gemini)... I value my patience and the course I have put myself on because I know ultimately I am working my way to that door of mine overseas... After all there is no great reward without great sacrifice...

"There can be no progress, no achievement without sacrifice. A man's worldly success will be in the measure that he sacrifices his confused animal thoughts, and fixes his mind on the development of his plans, and the strengthening of his resolution and self reliance. And the higher he lifts his thoughts, the more manly, upright, and righteous he becomes, the greater will be his success, the more blessed an enduring will be his achievements."
So beautifully expressed by James Allen. Someone who's words inspire me everyday, someone who simply was way ahead of his time...

It's midnight and I should close my eyes but all I would do is dream about being here in this room scribbling the thoughts that swirl in my heart and play in my mind...
Summer is here and I can feel the freshness of the sunshine surrounding my energy. I just want to explore... to grow... to accomplish... to create... to love- every single step of the way because they are all are the pieces to the picture I am building in the life of mine... RESPECT.

I know that I will soon be devouring the places I long to be and in the meantime I will be loving exactly where I am...

I think I will close the curtains now and go create something in my mind while my eyes stay closed but I know I will be back for another fix tomorrow or the next,,, I have SO much more to offer...

but for now...

Bon Nuit xxx

FRESH IN THE CLOUDS

This entry will be broken up into two parts: COMING and GOING…

Part 1: COMING-→ LAX/JFK June 1, 2009

It’s always nice to start a fresh approach to elements of your life on FIRSTS.
The 1st of months, the first day of a new week, the first day you entered this world aka your birthday, the first day of the New Year… 

Which ever and whatever the case is for some reason when committing with a renewed line of attack towards your goals, thoughts and or ideas, it somehow feels as if there is more ability to reach success. I am feeling a strong urge to clean out my closet and offer all of my energy to bringing in the “new and improved”.
The piano whispers in my ears… I tried to read my new novel but the sweet whispers of the piano and violin tempted me to be here instead… Unraveling the thoughts that were sitting patiently on the sides of my mind waiting for me to give them attention… So here I am and here I go…
One of the very many reasons I love to travel is because it has a wonderful way of creating instant “chapters” in my life. Something is always a little bit different when I come and when I go. One of the very many reasons I love to fly so much is because it is the perfect opportunity for me to reflect and absorb the memories of the chapter I just completed… There is much to be said about of the last pages of my life before this flight... thick pages of love, questions, hope, excitement, determination and trust. There is also a strong potential for this little adventure I am embarked on to start a turning point of multiple changes in my life. Changes that I encourage and look extremely forward to seeing come together… Who knows what tomorrow brings but I definitely plan on focusing my ENERGY towards bringing fourth what my heart desires…

My. Heart. Desires. 

What does my heart desire??? 

Many things… Most wholesome and simple. Then there are a few shameless ones in there that are provoked by my lust for some luxury in life… It’s my story and I can write it how I want to right? And I work to EARN it all…
I’ve made up my mind about a few things in my life. I have stamped my signature strength on them and officially made commitments to myself to see them through.
“How bad do you want it?” I don’t want anything badly actually… I would LOVE to see a few things appear and a few things shift in my world… In my mind there is only ONE way to see that happen… PURE DEVOTION AND FOCUS and I have a renewed sense of energy to achieving them on this first day of June…
I believe that I will have the privilege to see my desires come together in my life because I was first blessed and then CHOOSE to stay AWARE and TRUE to who I am, what I believe and what my HEART DESIRES…. I always have and so far so good…
A lot can change over night and change does not scare me… Sometimes it can be difficult to deal with but with out the challenges that our inner strength will have to face at times, we would never be able to realize how powerful we are and what we are capable of.

I know one thing for sure and that is that I don’t know one thing for sure.BUT. For all that I do know we are here with one life to live and in this life of mine I encourage myself everyday to exist at my most optimum level and enjoy the colors of life (yes that includes my beloved and often underrated GRAY)

Learn new languages and open the mind, meet new people and have interesting conversations, discover places in the world that pictures only give a bland impression to the true beauty that exists with in them, let your eyes be priceless for all they have seen when they lay to rest for the final time and let your mind be a buried treasure for all the wisdom that grew inside of it…

I am blind to what is to come of this “adventure” I am on at the moment but I can FEEL that it will bring fourth exactly what I am hoping for…
To be continued… XxX

PART 2: GOING → JFK/LAX June 2, 2009

Back in transit to the left coast where the beautiful ocean in my front yard awaits me ☺
I am sitting on this plane so grateful and would be energized by a great day but a lack of sleep and hectic schedule has left me faded on this flight- No worries, I have a super reclined chair, a lovely pillow and blanket, a glass of wine coming and a few hours alone to share in this room…
I embarked on this trip with a goal in mind. An idea that what was waiting at the end of this trip would be the start to a wonderful new adventure…an opportunity that would ultimately connect the dots in my path towards some major accomplishments I wish to achieve. Well I am so pleased to fly back to my house on the beach with a proud smile in my heart because I did it. I kept my spirit bright and focused on bringing fourth the outcome that I wanted to see develop and it did go my way. Once I know it is OFFICAL and I am confirmed with a future on this project then I will be celebrating... For now my success lies in the idea I had and the focus I put behind it that made it come to life… Even if it all stops with this day, I still will look back and read it as SUCCESS… but I know this has only just begun…
Now I will sit back, sip on my pinot noir, munch on my warmed almonds and relax… I did what I came to do and now I leave it to the universe to work out what is meant to be for me… I know she has my best interest…
I feel inspired. I read my horoscope for June written by one of my favorite astrologers last night after I wrote PART1 of this entry… it feels great to see that I am tuned in instinctually with the universe CHECK IT OUT:

While June will bring lots of action, July will be even better. June will be about resetting priorities and strategy. If you don't clear the decks and review all the elements in your life now, you won't be able to begin your new cycle with as much clean energy as you would if you did take the time to delete any elements in your life that are holding you back. If you don't go through the process of reexamination, by time you get to July 11, it will be like washing your white things in hot water, but tossing your black jeans into the same load. They don't belong there, of course, and those jeans taint your whole wash with a tinge of grey and spoil the clean freshness of that cycle. You won't want to bring anything from your past that you feel is not valuable and no longer contributes to your future. You have lots of exciting things coming up on the road ahead, and if you don't make room, you may become completely overwhelmed. June is definitely one of your power months.

I never have a plan of where I would like to start when I meet myself in this room. One thing leads to another and just like that a healthy amount of words fall from my mind all over this page… This is going to be a wonderful month for me I CAN FEEL IT… I have a lot of power behind my drive right now to keep my GAME on high and allow myself the reward of successes that will start to come with it…

I can taste the fresh made tapas in my Spanish kitchen after a day of surf is well on its way… CHEERS TO THAT!

XRX

PS... Happy Birthday Jan Petter!  I don't need to wish for all your dreams and success to come true because I KNOW THEY ARE... Elsker Deg Alltid...  xx88xx